Restless

I am restless. This isn't a new thing. Restlessness has been a part of me starting in adolescence. This year in particular the feeling has dug deep. It has crawled deep into my bones. I wake up, I go to sleep, I pause throughout the day thinking "Am I doing enough? Am I making the most of this life which increasingly moves by at an alarmingly fast pace? What if it ends tomorrow? Will I wish I did more?"

I am so many things. I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an employee, a crafter, a baker, a reader, a wanderer, a dreamer. I am all of these things, but do I fill these roles with as much passion as I can?

For too long now I have felt that I am just going through the motions in so many areas of my life. I feel like I lost that spark, that passion, that makes me live instead of exist. I want to make a concentrated effort to stop more throughout the day and take time to recharge. Even if it means waking up a bit earlier so I can stop and jot down my thoughts in a journal or read a few pages of a book.

Additionally, I want to take more risks. I want to plan the kind of travels that scare me a bit instead of going back to our tried-and-true places. I want to try new restaurants and listen to live music from bands I've never heard before. I want to set foot in cities I've never been in and drive with no destination in mind.

I'm not disillusioned-I know that the motions, the "real life", the chores will still be there. I know that we can't live life continuously pursuing the things that are exciting and new. I just know that right now, I could be more. Much more.

What they don't tell you about an autism diagnosis

A hazard of frequently researching information about autism is constantly seeing people who seek reassurance that their kid is not like mine and other children that are on the autism spectrum. One of the communities I frequent has a near-daily post along the lines of, "My 2 month old is not pointing or waving! My pregnancy was induced and I ate a piece of sushi during pregnancy! Please tell me my child is not Autistic! I will be devastated and will NEVER recover if they are!"

Okay, that is a slight exaggeration for the most part, but the "I will be devastated if my kid is like yours" part? That happens, and it happens frequently. It sucks. I need to make one thing perfectly clear. There is nothing devastating about parenting my kid. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Is it difficult? Well, yes. Isn't parenting difficult at times for everyone? Do I worry? YES. Don't other parents worry? When you take away the logistics of the extra school meetings, the therapies, the extra doctors appointments, and some of the other struggles-when you look at it in its pure, stripped-down form, it's just that-it's parenting. Being a parent to ANY kid regardless of their physical, developmental, or mental struggles, is just that-being a parent. They are our kids, they are amazing, and we are so damn proud of them.

I want so badly to rewire this devastation that people anticipate or expect upon their child, grandchild, nephew, loved one receiving an autism spectrum diagnosis. Let me share with you some of the unanticipated things I have learned over the last 5 months.

You will feel all the feels, but it gets better. I was in a daze after my son received his diagnosis. I remember feeling weak and irritated with myself that I wasn't some super mom who took the news in stride and immediately had him in therapy all while knowing the latest research on autism. Allow yourself to feel sad, confused, shocked, but don't dwell on it. You have things to do! Get moving once you process your emotions. Your family's future probably looks quite a bit different than what you've been envisioning, but that's okay. Before you know it you will know what all the acronyms stand for. You'll have the therapies lined up. You will know your insurance company's call center rep by their first name.

You will find your voice. I am one of the most quiet, socially awkward people you will ever meet. I worried about being able to stand up and advocate for my son. Yeah, no need to worry about that. You will find that voice and advocate. You'll call the therapists out when they cancel 1 too many appointments. You will tell the school that no, this IEP is not a good fit for your child. Best of all? You'll find that you strive for that voice to be constructive. Sometimes it'll border on argumentative, but what you'll want most of all is to change things for the better.

You will celebrate EVERY milestone. When certain things don't come as easily/naturally to your kid as they do to other kids, you will CELEBRATE when they reach new achievements. I cheered so loudly for my son last week when he unzipped his jacket (a first!) that I accidentally scared him. I notice so much more of the milestones and achievements now and celebrate every single one.

You will find ways to make every day things easier on your child. There are certain scenarios where I always assumed "Oh, that's just terrible two's. He's just being a threenager." I later realized that some of the situations where he usually started melting down were related to autism, not toddler behavior. I can tell (for the most part) when he is about to have a meltdown and try redirecting or eliminating the stressor. I prep him for transitions, which reduces so much of his stress. There are just so many little (and big) things you'll learn that will make your child's environment less overwhelming for them.


These are the things I have learned just over the last 5 months. Imagine how much can change in a year's time. If you have a loved one who received an autism diagnosis please know it's not the end of the world. Allow yourself to feel however you feel, but know that in the end your kid is still your kid. Nothing will change that.