Aimless

Everything feels kind of aimless lately. I don't know where I fit in anymore. Every time I try to describe something it's like the words don't come out right and I can't ever seem to get my point across correctly. This blog is probably a great showcase of that struggle.

I feel like I'm sitting here, unable to articulate my feelings correctly, isolated yet busy (seriously, who wants to be around me when I am down? I get it), and life keeps throwing things my way. It's like the majority of 30 has been spent getting knocked down by something unexpected, flailing around under the current for awhile, and catching my breath long enough for the next thing to strike.

I have spent so much of this year being ill. I have been sick with this current illness for 3 weeks. 3 fucking weeks of being sick. It's not like I'm being irresponsible and avoiding the doctor-I've gone every time I've been sick this year. Last time I even had them draw my blood because should I be getting sick every month? No. I think so much of why I feel like I can't catch a break is because SO much of my energy has been zapped with these long-lasting, mystery illnesses.

If I could just have a month or 2 of not getting sick, of not feeling like I'm some second rate employee because hey I have another 2 week long illness and need to call out for a day or 2, of not having a loved one die, of not having some major financial blow, maybe I could catch my breath. I just want to feel like I'm sailing again, not drowning.

Saying goodbye

My gramps passed away yesterday. He had a hellish last 6 months of his life-losing his son, my uncle Brian, and going through medical crises over the last several months leading to an amputation surgery and a bout of pneumonia that he succumbed to. Despite that, he had a very peaceful passing. He was surrounded by people he loved, hands linked together in a group prayer as he left this world. I know that he is in a better place now and that his suffering is over.

He had such a great sense of humor. My mom's entire side of her family shares that. On the rare occasion that we were all able to meet up (they lived in FL, some of our family lives in NY, we're in the middle) the house would be full of laughter. He was a great story-teller, and after raising 6 kids there were plenty of stories to tell.