The to-do list

Apparently I will do anything to get out of paid-writing-work today. Instead why don't I come here and waste time updating my to-do list?

Still need to:

*Test wicks with my jars

-I found a base wick size for my jars. Will need to wick up/down based on different fragrance oils and how they perform.

*Purchase insurance (ouch)

-Where's my magical money?!

*Break down total cost of candles and set a price for when I start selling them

-Done

*Obtain a county business license

-Waiting on $$

*Start building Instagram and Facebook following

-Does updating my icon count?

*Look for craft fairs for later summer/early fall

-In progress. Hard to narrow them down when I don't know the opening date.

*Finalize my logo/branding. Make sure it complies with Fair Packaging & Labeling Act

-Done! I even made it through "people-ing" by setting up a yellowpages account so I won't have to include my home address on labels.

*Decide if I am printing labels myself (& if so, decide on label paper supplier and purchase laser printer)

-Done! I decided to print myself (one less thing to depend on a 3rd party for during rush seasons like Christmas shopping season). Also found the holy grail of label paper-a weatherproof paper for Inkjets that actually works! I already have an HP subscription for unlimited ink thanks to the last Etsy venture, so that's one less additional expense to worry about.

*Continue narrowing down fragrance oils with cohesive themes so it's not overwhelming to a customer

-In progress. I found some goooood ones. Hoping my herb garden blend smells good in wax!

*Purchase/make table covers, displays, canopy weights and signage for craft fairs

-In progress. I've narrowed down where I'm purchasing things from. Just once again waiting for the magical money tree to shake some funds down.

P&W

Side effects of having a one track mind: wanting to start something right away. I've been slowly working my way towards opening my next craft venture. It's been painfully slow (4 months in actively planning so far) and I keep thinking of all the stuff left to do before I can open. Much of the wait is money-based since I'm paying for things as I go vs. opening a loan or putting things on credit. I thought it might help to jot down a list to keep track of things.

So far, I have:
*Researched (still in progress, probably always will be!)
*Formed a wax melt testing group
*Tested fragrance oils (still in progress, although I have narrowed down several must-have's)
*Picked out 2 specific waxes for tarts & candles
*Picked out candle jars/supplier
*Picked out wax melt containers/supplier
*Picked out scent shot containers/supplier
*Purchased a low-budget version of a wax melter (no more double boiler, yay!)
*Started a testing notebook so I can log info
*Called the county zoning office and verified I'm allowed to run my business from home
*Formed an LLC
*Procured an EIN
*Purchased/registered a domain name (currently redirects to Etsy, might move over to Wix if I get a big enough customer base. I've heard too many horror stories of Etsy randomly closing down shops)
*Played around with logos (need to finalize one)
*Broke down total cost of wax melts and set a price for when I start selling them
*Chose an insurance carrier (still have to sign up $$$$)
*Rearranged the house, combining the nerd room with the master bedroom so I can use our 3rd bedroom as an office/studio/production area (good god, my muscles still hurt)

Still need to:
*Test wicks with my jars
*Purchase insurance (ouch)
*Break down total cost of candles and set a price for when I start selling them
*Obtain a county business license
*Start building Instagram and Facebook following
*Look for craft fairs for later summer/early fall
*Finalize my logo/branding. Make sure it complies with Fair Packaging & Labeling Act
*Decide if I am printing labels myself (& if so, decide on label paper supplier and purchase laser printer)
*Continue narrowing down fragrance oils with cohesive themes so it's not overwhelming to a customer
*Purchase/make table covers, displays, canopy weights and signage for craft fairs

There is probably more that I'm forgetting. The goal is to open by late summer, but know something might come up to delay it. Until then I'll keep working my way down the list.

2018

Life has changed so much over the last year. We took Cooper to the park last weekend and I was  awestruck by how different things were than the last time we took him to that particular park. He used to just run back and forth, not interact with any of the kids, and struggle to climb the equipment. This time he played chase with a group of kids (my heart seriously melted when they asked his name and he went "I'm Cooper! I'm 5!")  and he climbed things that he wouldn't have even tried a year ago. I'm not sure how much of the change is because of school and social skills group, how much of it is just the fact that he's older, or what, but I had all of the feels last Sunday. I am so happy for him.

Job front: it's safe to say it's different than it was a year ago. I'm no longer constantly ill (yay!) which leads me to believe I had an allergy to something in the building where I was working. The guy behind me was also sick frequently, so I wonder if there was something in the air duct over us? Regardless, not having 3+ weeks of bronchitis every few weeks has been wonderful. Exercising the creative part of my brain on a consistent basis has also been wonderful. There are definitely struggles still. Watching the ebb and flow and unexplained dips and spikes in sales. The mental game of writing-trying to find ways to push past the life stress that creeps up and not let it impact my daily word count. Making sure Greg and I maintain a healthy relationship after going from barely seeing each other to being around each other much more frequently. It's different, but I am so much happier and have so much more energy in this role. 

The biggest reward has been on the parenting front. I actually have the energy (probably thanks to not being sick!) to do activities and feel like a much more active participant. Cooper has really gravitated towards me since I'm actually around more, and I can tell that the bond is stronger for him than it was before. I'm immensely grateful for the opportunity to be around more. There is a lot of uncertainty when you're your own boss, but it is worth it.

On another note, it turns out that working from home has NOT actually handed me the energy to keep an immaculate house like I thought it would. ;) Progress not perfection, right?

The unexpected

Parenting is weird. You spend nine months worrying, daydreaming, building up these elaborate scenarios in your head, only to realize within hours of returning from the hospital that you have no idea what you are doing. It all boils down to the fact that we can plan, daydream, and prepare ourselves as much as possible, but nothing is ever guaranteed.

This has not been an easy season for my extended family. The deepest of our roots, the foundation (in all it's imperfection), crumbled after forty two years. We are all wading through the emotional and logistical aftermath, with my main focus on uplifting the people hurting the most. We are cautiously imagining a new normal, while all of us are fully aware that we have no idea what the future looks like. All of this is further complicated by serious health issues with both parents. Things like caretaking and medical needs are whisked into this mix of uncertainty.

The weird, beautiful, painful part of this is that it goes on. It always does. While I am tempted to crawl under covers and ignore the persistent blast of Christmas tunes, to flip past the Christmas movies on TV, to cancel our Christmas plans, I have this little guy to take care of. He deserves every minute of a great Christmas. He deserves to carry the warmest and fuzziest of memories forward with him. He's a reminder that I have to keep moving forward, to grit my teeth through the parts I'm not feeling, and just keep going. I am grateful for this unexpected push, for the fact I get to be a parent at all, and for the way our daydreams will never prepare us for muddling our way through life. There is power in wading your way through uncertainty.

Jumbled

My brain is faulty. The wiring is jumbled, circuits firing off-kilter and others inexplicably dim when I least expect them to.

Happy turns into borderline manic, driven, then poof. No amount of sleep is adequate. The minute and significant tasks feel equally impossible. The body and mind ache to return to bed even when sleep persistently taunts the corners of your mind, just out of reach.

You see the wonderful bits of your life dancing in front of your eyes, fueling the shame that comes with depression. Cycle again. Push through the impossible to get back to happy.

Autumn

The leaves are awash in color. Brisk air rushes in the door as I hold his little hand in mine while we walk to the bus stop. I look down at the little boy that, blissfully, is still young enough to not be embarrassed to hold his mom's hand. Leaves crunch underfoot, dotting the grey pavement in bursts of color, demanding my attention. The scents of fires burning and the earthy undertone of leaves tickle my nose. Autumn insists that we press pause, look around, and appreciate the brief, beautiful things surrounding us.

Moving on

It felt like I woke up a few months ago and our parenting lives suddenly went from ones of baby-proofing and constantly stopping imminent danger to finally being able to step back a bit. The outlet covers were removed, we bought a couple bookcases (because books actually *mostly* stay put now!), the door knob covers were tossed. One can toss the door knob covers once your kid's life goal no longer involves opening the cleaning closet door and potentially drinking all the chemicals. It is simultaneously a tremendous relief, bittersweet, and inevitable part of parenting. He's growing up!

The thing I've been hoping for-the sense of peace over being "one and done" has finally been realized. I love our family as a 3 person (& a cat) unit. There is an ease about our days now. I no longer feel like I'm depriving Cooper of a sibling. Just because 2+ kids is the norm, does not mean that a family of 3 cannot be a beautiful, complete thing. I no longer feel like I'm getting punched in the stomach when I find out a coworker is pregnant, get asked why I'm not having more kids, or see pictures of siblings having fun.

Instead of obsessing over what could have been, I look around on a Sunday morning. Greg and I sipping on our coffee, Cooper playing, the light filtering in from my favorite living room window, and the cat stepping all over us while getting cat hair in our coffee. I embrace the feeling of contentment. This is our family. While 3 may not be the norm, we are content and I am grateful. The what-if may always linger lightly in the back of my mind, but it no longer has the power to sway me into worry and discontentment. We're moving on. It is a beautiful feeling.