100

I have a secret to share with you. A secret that isn't really a secret at all. Over the last year I've gained approximately a hundred pounds. I wish I could be one of those people that is surprised. I wish I could be someone who just doesn't know how it happened.

The truth is, I have known since day 1 what I was doing. I know that each pound was brought on by fast food,  by binge eating, by moving so little in a day. I felt each pound creep on. I felt the jeans that no longer buttoned, the chairs that once again hurt my legs, the side glances from strangers, the concerned looks from family. I lost the will to fight for myself.

A little over a year ago I was on the polar opposite side of this fight. I lost so much weight in 2014. For the first time in my adult years, I was able to ride roller coasters. I jogged a 5K. One day I looked up and realized that chasing after my kid was no longer difficult. I shopped IN the story at Old Navy. I was no longer buying plus sizes in the biggest size stores carried. The "regular" section in stores wasn't a reality yet but for the first time it was within reach.

Today I find my clothes (obviously several sizes bigger by now) ready to bust at the seams. Simple household chores leave me exhausted and with an aching back. Walking from my car to my desk at work leaves me winded. I rarely socialize because I am so embarrassed by myself. It is fucking ridiculous. I am 30 years old living like an out of shape elderly person.

So, what the hell happened? I don't know what triggered me to backslide. I know what I did to backslide, but I don't know what "snapped" in my brain. I do know I was working on a project last year when I just caved. I was converting old family movies to dvd. I don't know if something happened to me that I am mentally blocking out (I don't think so?) or if the timing was just coincidental. I know I am a food addict. I've known that for years. I just can't seem to shake it permanently.

What is my plan going forward? The plan for now is to completely eliminate fast food from our diet. Walk more. Replace unhealthy work lunches with healthy lunches. 3 things to change. Greg and I are not going to be manic/overzealous about this, but we are trying to slowly change. Something needs to.