Waiting.

I was trying to get Cooper to look at me this morning when I was explaining something to him. He kept refusing to look at me. I was about to give the "look at me when I'm talking to you or [insert consequence here]" reasoning to him but then it hit me. What if he gets really uncomfortable looking at someone when they're talking to him if he's autistic?

Sure, maybe it's just him being stubborn and deciding he doesn't want to look at someone, but what if I was about to get irritated over something he has no control over?

I don't know what kind of road is in front of us. I do know that I am one hundred percent burnt out on waiting. Most days are okay, but some days it feels impossible to wait another day for another evaluation that will very likely leave us with no more answers than we walked in with. The same routine we've been participating in since he was 18 months old.

We hear, "I get this feeling that something is off but I can't quite put my finger on it" from his doctors. Do you know how frustrating that is to hear as a parent? It's basically saying, "Your son might need help but we don't have enough information to actually get him the help he might need. Instead, book this appointment that will take 3 months to get into. Maybe they can help."

Most days tick by and we know that it doesn't matter if it takes a couple more months for an answer. He is our son, we will love him regardless, and he will absolutely get whatever help is available IF he is autistic. Days like today, where he spent an hour and 15 minutes sorting his colored pencils one by one, dumping them out, and doing it all over again are frustrating. His sorting and flapping and "red flags" aren't frustrating. It's the constant worry that we're not doing everything in our power to give him the tools he needs.

Today is hard. Tomorrow will be okay.