Life

Life is pretty damn good right now. I'm currently on day 5 of being sick but it's just a cold and not some knocked-on-my-ass-respiratory-horror-story like the other illnesses I've had over the last year. I can handle a cold! I will take it.

Timehop reminded me that Cooper was diagnosed a year ago today. I will never forget going into the appointment with the feeling of "More wasted time! They won't give us any explanation!" and the Developmental Pediatrician casually, matter of factly telling us he was on the autism spectrum.

I wasn't prepared at all for the next few months, but is anyone? I'm glad to say that at  a year out I am no longer consumed with fear. I have learned so much about patience. Everything in the special needs system (therapy, school, etc.) takes forever to set up and work with. There is so much red tape that you are blissfully unaware of until you're the one responsible for maneuvering around it. This year really was about learning to be patient.

Cooper is an amazing kid. I know it's cliche, and most parents will say that about their kids. This guy, though? He cracks me up every single day. He is caring. He is passionate about the things that interest him. He is a whirlwind of energy but also hyper focused when he wants to be.

I'm still working with the "accepting one and done" thing. I have faith that I will get there eventually and that faith has reassured me lately that it really will be okay one day. It is just really damn difficult to quiet my ovaries sometimes. It hurts. You never quite know when the gut-punch will hit you but it does.

Until I get to the acceptance part, I will focus on the good things that come with having 1. I will keep planning trips that are doable for this age and count down the days until the kid can tolerate an international flight. I want him to see the world. I want to push him (and us) beyond our comfort zones bit by bit. I want to evolve, grow and continue learning that even when things are really tough, it goes on.

Right now? Things are not so tough. I am immensely grateful for this lull. It always goes on.

Plans

I can't wait to feel better! I feel like my body has just kind of molded into the couch. There are kleenex boxes everywhere, half-full cups of tea, my hair stands up on it's own (who needs product!?) and my TV binge watching options have become so desperate that I found myself watching Keeping up With the Kardashians earlier.

I know this will pass and I can't wait to feel normal again. I am planning to join the Y once this illness passes to start trying and cut down on anxiety (and lose weight). I am also going to call a therapist tomorrow and set up an appointment!

Between constantly being ill, dealing with a lot of behavioral issues and school stressors related to autism, coping with the reality that we're not going to have another kid, and walking through everything else we walked through over the last year I think a therapist is much overdue. My mom kind of indirectly told me I seemed really depressed last week and it hit me that yes, I am.

That's okay. I will get through it, but maybe I need help with it this time. As I've mentioned before this is the first year that I really recognize that I have big feelings and am not always great when it comes to coping with them. I think it's time to have someone help me build tools to sort through everything. I can't wait to see what this will lead to. I am so ready for a change.

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Within the last 5 hours:
-My doctor drew my blood to test for autoimmune diseases because I am sick (again).
-We found out that Cooper was not accepted into the (Neurotypical) Preschool program we applied for through the school district. I'm not allowed to disclose why but it had nothing to do with autism.
-We got an email from his special ed preschool teacher basically giving us a heads up that she is going to suggest an IEP revision meeting in August and wants to reduce his hours from 4 days/week to 2 days/week. She wants him to go to community preschool the other 3 days.

I feel like he is already slipping through the cracks. He isn't "autistic enough" to warrant the care I feel he needs. Yet, he is not "neurotypical enough" to send him to a NT preschool program without immense worries.

It drives me insane when he verbally stims for hours on end. I am his mom and love him more than anything and it still makes me feel like my ears are bleeding from verbal stims. How is a preschool teacher who is busy watching several other kids going to handle that? His aggression (primarily biting and hitting) ramped up over the last couple months. So many of the challenging ASD behaviors in terms of rigidity, schedules, meltdowns, ramped up recently. How do I know a teacher won't just label him as a bad kid when it's something he can't control?

I am grateful that he made so much progress last year. It just makes me wonder if he is actually getting the services he needs, or if he's already being short changed before Kindergarten even starts.

Summer '16 Bucket List

It is officially summer. It's hot, humid as hell, buggy summer. It also means nights stretching out as long as the summer sun, swimming whenever the opportunity arises, ice cream trucks, and almost nightly playground visits for Cooper.

I really want to do all the [fun] things this summer. The 3 day weekend thing drives my wanderlust heart insane (due to lack of funds, wandering far is out of the question this summer). That doesn't mean there isn't plenty to do around here! Lists help reign in my easily distracted thoughts. Without further ado, here is my list:

1. Take a 1-nighter road trip without planning a single thing. No destination in mind, nothing fancy, just a good old fashioned road trip.

2. Try a new exercise. There are so many things I haven't tried. Yoga? Never tried it. Kickboxing? Nope. Spinning? Nope. Maybe I'll find something I love? Maybe?

3. Try new recipes. I have been *slightly* better in terms of trying new recipes lately, but adding this to the list can't hurt.

4. Visit 3 VA state parks. So much to see, and nearly free!

5. Play tourist in Richmond. Do you know how much things I HAVEN'T seen in Richmond? I've never been to the Poe Museum, VMFA, the VA Holocaust Museum, etc. I will not be riding any segways, but there is a solid day of Richmond-exploring I am 19 years past due on.

6. Firepit nights. Our patio was sadly neglected last year. We just never went out there. I spent hours today trying to clear weeds, spruce it up, and get rid of random things we threw back there. The yard is one of the best parts of our house and I really want to start appreciating it more.

7. Send snail-mail. I never do this anymore and getting mail is always nice! I am overdue to send a care package, a letter, a thank you card, something fun via the mail system.

8. Get a manicure. Maybe you're rolling your eyes at this one, but it's been years since I had one. It felt so fancy to walk around for a week with nice nails.

9. Sew! I bought my machine, accessories, wound a bobbin...now I need to gather the courage to actually use the machine.

10. Visit new restaurants. On the rare occasion we get an opportunity to go to a sit-down restaurant, we get in such a rut and go with the usual spots. There are plenty of places to try around here, so we need to venture out more.

So, there it is. A list that doesn't leave me filled with dread. A light, somewhat frivolous kind of thing. Just how summer should be.

Summer

I stepped outside today and felt the warm, almost-summer humidity that is nearly tangible during the summer months in this part of the country. You can almost bottle it up. On one hand I thought, "Is it summer already!?" On the other hand, I thought "It's about damn time."

I am currently in a state of not-drowning and I am relishing every second. There were some intensely stressful work moments last week. We had a monthly meeting with Cooper's teacher last week and found out that there is a huge, scary decision to be made regarding Cooper's schooling next year. Greg and I also had to decide on our summer approach for his therapy since he does not qualify for ESY services. These are doable things. We can do this. After the last year? This stuff is small potatoes.

Several months passed since I stopped my anti-depressant that I was on for 3 years. It took a bit to remember how to deal with BIG feelings. I am a feeler. I get hurt easily. This is the first year that I recognize that it isn't necessarily a bad thing. It is just that, a thing. It is part of who I am. The medication I was on did not erase my panic, anxiety, and feelings. It did, however, take the edge off of them. It made it a little easier to breathe. That being said, I am doing pretty well without it! It is overwhelming to feel my anxiety in full force, but it is great to feel the good feelings in full force. I think I was on the medication so long that I didn't realize it was also dulling the good things too.

Thanks to a new summer flex opportunity, my work schedule is temporarily changing as of Tuesday and I couldn't be happier. I am switching to 4, 10-hour days with a 3 day weekend every week until Labor Day. I hope that this will help build up PTO, go on a few long-weekend camping trips and attend Cooper's appointments without having to stay late at work to make up the time. I am so thrilled for the change!

Cooper has grown and changed so incredibly much over the last 6 months. I look at him sometimes and it just hits me. He is his own person. He has limbs that get a little stronger with each month, and one hell of a personality. He gets pissed when the weather changes and he can no longer wear his jacket every day. Rain makes him sleepy. To him, water is still the best. thing. ever. He loves to pick up any phone or camera he can find and open up the camera to view his world through a camera lens. He loves to see people laugh. He is more attached to his favorite blanket than Linus was. The fact that he turns 4 in less than a month completely boggles my mind and makes me ovaries hurt.

So, summer. Hello there. I hope I can continue on this path of not-drowning. I hope the run of not being sick continues. Cookouts and seeing friends would be grand. Maybe a camping trip or 3? Beers and bonfires. Borrowed pool time and a million freckles. All the good things. Let's make it happen.

Back to reality: meal edition

The end of April and early-mid May were pretty chaotic. There was a quick trip to NY for my grandpa's funeral service at the end of April. A week after returning from NY I was back on the road but this time headed to FL. Both of those trips were stressful in their own ways, but there were good memories involved too.

Now it's back to reality until I manage to convince my husband to venture somewhere else. The laundry situation is slowly catching up but the meal situation is back to it's lazy person state of "Pizza? Okay. Cookout? Okay." Starting today, I'm making an effort to change that. Summer is around the corner and with that, fresher produce. Salad actually starts to sound appetizing when the temperature heats up. Now that Greg doesn't work until 10PM we also have the opportunity for grilling.

Here are a few new things I plan to try out this week:
Chopped salad with spiced chickpeas
She had me at "chickpeas" and "feta." I'm planning to make this for work lunches.

Lemon ricotta parmesan pasta with chicken and spinach
2 types of cheese and pasta, but clearly the chicken and spinach make it healthy?

Grilled balsamic steak with tomatoes and arugula
Any night that Greg grills is a good night. That + the fact that this is a Skinnytaste recipe pretty much guarantees a recipe win.

We're also cooking up some go-to meals. BLTs on sourdough, salsa chicken tacos, tangy lentil salad. It's so easy to get into a recipe/cooking rut. Hopefully these will spice things up a bit and I can get into the habit of actively trying new (healthyish) recipes each week. As always, that pun was intended.

Aimless

Everything feels kind of aimless lately. I don't know where I fit in anymore. Every time I try to describe something it's like the words don't come out right and I can't ever seem to get my point across correctly. This blog is probably a great showcase of that struggle.

I feel like I'm sitting here, unable to articulate my feelings correctly, isolated yet busy (seriously, who wants to be around me when I am down? I get it), and life keeps throwing things my way. It's like the majority of 30 has been spent getting knocked down by something unexpected, flailing around under the current for awhile, and catching my breath long enough for the next thing to strike.

I have spent so much of this year being ill. I have been sick with this current illness for 3 weeks. 3 fucking weeks of being sick. It's not like I'm being irresponsible and avoiding the doctor-I've gone every time I've been sick this year. Last time I even had them draw my blood because should I be getting sick every month? No. I think so much of why I feel like I can't catch a break is because SO much of my energy has been zapped with these long-lasting, mystery illnesses.

If I could just have a month or 2 of not getting sick, of not feeling like I'm some second rate employee because hey I have another 2 week long illness and need to call out for a day or 2, of not having a loved one die, of not having some major financial blow, maybe I could catch my breath. I just want to feel like I'm sailing again, not drowning.