Mama...beast?

I hate the phrase Mama Bear. It makes me a little nauseous. That's the only phrase I can think of that describes how I felt a week ago. There have been plenty of times that I defend my kid, but I have never experienced quite the physical, ingrained reaction like last week. Sweaty palms, increased heart beat, pure fury.

I don't want to go into details because I don't want the details being out there, but my son won't return to the daycare he's been attending since September. When my husband got home and relayed the information to me (I work until 6:30 so he's the daycare picker-upper) I told myself that surely there was a miscommunication? Surely? I obviously needed to call the daycare director because what he thought happened would never happen there. In that moment I knew I wouldn't have the ability to remain calm when I spoke with her so I slept on it and called her the next day.

Her explanation made things worse. It highlighted how incompetent they are in terms of handling a kid on the autism spectrum. Whenever she tried to defend the staff, it just made it worse. By some miracle, I didn't rage-sob while she was on the phone. I made it perfectly clear to her that they are incapable of handling a kid on the autism spectrum. I let her know that how they handled my son was not okay. I let her know that we'd never be back. I hung up the phone and shook.

He is in such a specific niche that I can see this kind of thing happening repeatedly and that scares the shit out of me. He tends to pass as this quirky kid to people we're not around a lot, but the behavioral struggles always emerge. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me but dealing with autistic behavioral challenges (especially meltdowns and defiance) is NOT an easy thing to deal with. Teachers aren't always going to have the patience that a parent has. They have countless other kids to look after, of course they don't have an hour to deal with a meltdown.

So where will he fall? How are we supposed to find a daycare that we can trust after this? Is he regressing? Do we need to amend his IEP and push for more hours? Does he need to go back into ABA therapy? Where is the damn manual for all of this? Hopefully the developmental pediatrician will be able to answer our longgg list of questions in January. Like everything-just as soon as you feel like you're getting the hang of something, life changes it up. Time to keep learning and moving forward.

Business Goals

I'm discovering that running my own business on the side is therapeutic. I don't think it would be if it was my full-time gig (because, pressure) but it's not. My health insurance isn't depending on this. That's what the FT gig is for.

I've only been back a few weeks but I've learned quite a bit about SEO. From the view counts and favorited items, it seems to be working. Etsy will never be a main source of crafting income due to the hugely saturated market. That being said-the ease of use, discounted shipping and wide audience will keep me there for whatever sales do roll in. My main goals this winter are to start preparing for late winter/early spring craft fairs and to create a more cohesive/professional look.

Things to check off this winter:
1. Hire someone to redesign my logo, social media icons, etc. I already narrowed down a particular designer but I'm waiting until after Christmas because of funds. For someone with very limited Photoshop skills I think I did *okay* with my logo. I really don't like my FB or Etsy banners. Branding is so important with craft businesses and it's something that is lacking.  
2. Purchase a sandblaster for glass etching. I love etching glass but the etching cream I use doesn't produce a vivid etch. I've researched sandblaster machines for a year or so and found one I want to go with. The etching difference is amazing.
3.  Purchase a heat press. I was a little weary of purchasing a heat press because I haven't had great luck with heat transfer vinyl. However, after doing a ton of research I learned about sublimation and I am sooo excited to add this to my shop. No more worries about peeling vinyl. My customers can actually put a mug through the dishwasher! I think this is the thing I'm most excited about offering/changing over the upcoming months.
4. Packaging. This kind of goes along with the branding bit in number 1. I have always been a terrible gift-wrapper. My mom is the lady who perfectly folds edges of wrapping paper and puts pretty bows on gifts. I am of the "cover it in wrapping paper and try to press the crumpled edges in so it doesn't poof out too much" variety.  This doesn't work when you're trying to relay a "boutique" kind of atmosphere. YouTube showed me how to tie one of those cross-knot bows so maybe there's been a little improvement already?
5. Slowly start purchasing craft fair necessities (table cloths, tent, tables, etc.)
6. Build stock. That's obvious enough. I don't want to scramble like I did for my first craft fair.

So, those are my winter goals. I am glad to have them to focus on because things have been pretty crummy over here. This is giving me a taste of self-confidence for the first time in a long time. It's time to keep building on that and moving forward.

Flips, flops and flip flops.

A week ago we returned from the worst vacation in the history of our family vacations. It was full of vomit, ants, broken toilets and meltdowns. It was 9 days of "this can't actually be happening, right?" It was one of those weeks where so much went wrong that it started to be hilarious. Hilarious as in "I know this is fucking awful now, but this will make a good story."

17 hours of driving later and we were home. Yes, we were covered in ant corpses, Cooper's pants were falling off of him because he more or less refused to eat for 9 days, I couldn't open most of my right eye because it was infected, and I had to erase thoughts of how many ants I drank in my coffee once the sun went down, but we were home. We survived. I still cannot wrap my mind around how wrong that trip went but the ship didn't sink and the car didn't crash, so it could be worse.

I am nearly positive that my job isn't going to last more than 2 months or so. Considering that I was told when I started 6.5 years ago that it would last (max) 2 years, I think it was a good run. I will eventually walk away with some supervisory skills (even though I never had the title), much wider knowledge of Excel, and 6.5 more years of full time work experience than I walked in there with. A change is much overdue but I am also sad to wave goodbye to an incredible amount of PTO and an awesome schedule.

My Etsy shop reopened yesterday! I am so excited to delve back into the creative side of things and create some new products. I forgot how easy it is to go, "okay I need to edit this image" and look up to see that 2 hours passed. It's weird and a little nerve-wracking to jump back in but I am excited to be back.

Life

Life is pretty damn good right now. I'm currently on day 5 of being sick but it's just a cold and not some knocked-on-my-ass-respiratory-horror-story like the other illnesses I've had over the last year. I can handle a cold! I will take it.

Timehop reminded me that Cooper was diagnosed a year ago today. I will never forget going into the appointment with the feeling of "More wasted time! They won't give us any explanation!" and the Developmental Pediatrician casually, matter of factly telling us he was on the autism spectrum.

I wasn't prepared at all for the next few months, but is anyone? I'm glad to say that at  a year out I am no longer consumed with fear. I have learned so much about patience. Everything in the special needs system (therapy, school, etc.) takes forever to set up and work with. There is so much red tape that you are blissfully unaware of until you're the one responsible for maneuvering around it. This year really was about learning to be patient.

Cooper is an amazing kid. I know it's cliche, and most parents will say that about their kids. This guy, though? He cracks me up every single day. He is caring. He is passionate about the things that interest him. He is a whirlwind of energy but also hyper focused when he wants to be.

I'm still working with the "accepting one and done" thing. I have faith that I will get there eventually and that faith has reassured me lately that it really will be okay one day. It is just really damn difficult to quiet my ovaries sometimes. It hurts. You never quite know when the gut-punch will hit you but it does.

Until I get to the acceptance part, I will focus on the good things that come with having 1. I will keep planning trips that are doable for this age and count down the days until the kid can tolerate an international flight. I want him to see the world. I want to push him (and us) beyond our comfort zones bit by bit. I want to evolve, grow and continue learning that even when things are really tough, it goes on.

Right now? Things are not so tough. I am immensely grateful for this lull. It always goes on.

Plans

I can't wait to feel better! I feel like my body has just kind of molded into the couch. There are kleenex boxes everywhere, half-full cups of tea, my hair stands up on it's own (who needs product!?) and my TV binge watching options have become so desperate that I found myself watching Keeping up With the Kardashians earlier.

I know this will pass and I can't wait to feel normal again. I am planning to join the Y once this illness passes to start trying and cut down on anxiety (and lose weight). I am also going to call a therapist tomorrow and set up an appointment!

Between constantly being ill, dealing with a lot of behavioral issues and school stressors related to autism, coping with the reality that we're not going to have another kid, and walking through everything else we walked through over the last year I think a therapist is much overdue. My mom kind of indirectly told me I seemed really depressed last week and it hit me that yes, I am.

That's okay. I will get through it, but maybe I need help with it this time. As I've mentioned before this is the first year that I really recognize that I have big feelings and am not always great when it comes to coping with them. I think it's time to have someone help me build tools to sort through everything. I can't wait to see what this will lead to. I am so ready for a change.

ftftugiuhilu

Within the last 5 hours:
-My doctor drew my blood to test for autoimmune diseases because I am sick (again).
-We found out that Cooper was not accepted into the (Neurotypical) Preschool program we applied for through the school district. I'm not allowed to disclose why but it had nothing to do with autism.
-We got an email from his special ed preschool teacher basically giving us a heads up that she is going to suggest an IEP revision meeting in August and wants to reduce his hours from 4 days/week to 2 days/week. She wants him to go to community preschool the other 3 days.

I feel like he is already slipping through the cracks. He isn't "autistic enough" to warrant the care I feel he needs. Yet, he is not "neurotypical enough" to send him to a NT preschool program without immense worries.

It drives me insane when he verbally stims for hours on end. I am his mom and love him more than anything and it still makes me feel like my ears are bleeding from verbal stims. How is a preschool teacher who is busy watching several other kids going to handle that? His aggression (primarily biting and hitting) ramped up over the last couple months. So many of the challenging ASD behaviors in terms of rigidity, schedules, meltdowns, ramped up recently. How do I know a teacher won't just label him as a bad kid when it's something he can't control?

I am grateful that he made so much progress last year. It just makes me wonder if he is actually getting the services he needs, or if he's already being short changed before Kindergarten even starts.

Summer '16 Bucket List

It is officially summer. It's hot, humid as hell, buggy summer. It also means nights stretching out as long as the summer sun, swimming whenever the opportunity arises, ice cream trucks, and almost nightly playground visits for Cooper.

I really want to do all the [fun] things this summer. The 3 day weekend thing drives my wanderlust heart insane (due to lack of funds, wandering far is out of the question this summer). That doesn't mean there isn't plenty to do around here! Lists help reign in my easily distracted thoughts. Without further ado, here is my list:

1. Take a 1-nighter road trip without planning a single thing. No destination in mind, nothing fancy, just a good old fashioned road trip.

2. Try a new exercise. There are so many things I haven't tried. Yoga? Never tried it. Kickboxing? Nope. Spinning? Nope. Maybe I'll find something I love? Maybe?

3. Try new recipes. I have been *slightly* better in terms of trying new recipes lately, but adding this to the list can't hurt.

4. Visit 3 VA state parks. So much to see, and nearly free!

5. Play tourist in Richmond. Do you know how much things I HAVEN'T seen in Richmond? I've never been to the Poe Museum, VMFA, the VA Holocaust Museum, etc. I will not be riding any segways, but there is a solid day of Richmond-exploring I am 19 years past due on.

6. Firepit nights. Our patio was sadly neglected last year. We just never went out there. I spent hours today trying to clear weeds, spruce it up, and get rid of random things we threw back there. The yard is one of the best parts of our house and I really want to start appreciating it more.

7. Send snail-mail. I never do this anymore and getting mail is always nice! I am overdue to send a care package, a letter, a thank you card, something fun via the mail system.

8. Get a manicure. Maybe you're rolling your eyes at this one, but it's been years since I had one. It felt so fancy to walk around for a week with nice nails.

9. Sew! I bought my machine, accessories, wound a bobbin...now I need to gather the courage to actually use the machine.

10. Visit new restaurants. On the rare occasion we get an opportunity to go to a sit-down restaurant, we get in such a rut and go with the usual spots. There are plenty of places to try around here, so we need to venture out more.

So, there it is. A list that doesn't leave me filled with dread. A light, somewhat frivolous kind of thing. Just how summer should be.