The to-do list

Apparently I will do anything to get out of paid-writing-work today. Instead why don't I come here and waste time updating my to-do list?

Still need to:

*Test wicks with my jars

-I found a base wick size for my jars. Will need to wick up/down based on different fragrance oils and how they perform.

*Purchase insurance (ouch)

-Where's my magical money?!

*Break down total cost of candles and set a price for when I start selling them

-Done

*Obtain a county business license

-Waiting on $$

*Start building Instagram and Facebook following

-Does updating my icon count?

*Look for craft fairs for later summer/early fall

-In progress. Hard to narrow them down when I don't know the opening date.

*Finalize my logo/branding. Make sure it complies with Fair Packaging & Labeling Act

-Done! I even made it through "people-ing" by setting up a yellowpages account so I won't have to include my home address on labels.

*Decide if I am printing labels myself (& if so, decide on label paper supplier and purchase laser printer)

-Done! I decided to print myself (one less thing to depend on a 3rd party for during rush seasons like Christmas shopping season). Also found the holy grail of label paper-a weatherproof paper for Inkjets that actually works! I already have an HP subscription for unlimited ink thanks to the last Etsy venture, so that's one less additional expense to worry about.

*Continue narrowing down fragrance oils with cohesive themes so it's not overwhelming to a customer

-In progress. I found some goooood ones. Hoping my herb garden blend smells good in wax!

*Purchase/make table covers, displays, canopy weights and signage for craft fairs

-In progress. I've narrowed down where I'm purchasing things from. Just once again waiting for the magical money tree to shake some funds down.

P&W

Side effects of having a one track mind: wanting to start something right away. I've been slowly working my way towards opening my next craft venture. It's been painfully slow (4 months in actively planning so far) and I keep thinking of all the stuff left to do before I can open. Much of the wait is money-based since I'm paying for things as I go vs. opening a loan or putting things on credit. I thought it might help to jot down a list to keep track of things.

So far, I have:
*Researched (still in progress, probably always will be!)
*Formed a wax melt testing group
*Tested fragrance oils (still in progress, although I have narrowed down several must-have's)
*Picked out 2 specific waxes for tarts & candles
*Picked out candle jars/supplier
*Picked out wax melt containers/supplier
*Picked out scent shot containers/supplier
*Purchased a low-budget version of a wax melter (no more double boiler, yay!)
*Started a testing notebook so I can log info
*Called the county zoning office and verified I'm allowed to run my business from home
*Formed an LLC
*Procured an EIN
*Purchased/registered a domain name (currently redirects to Etsy, might move over to Wix if I get a big enough customer base. I've heard too many horror stories of Etsy randomly closing down shops)
*Played around with logos (need to finalize one)
*Broke down total cost of wax melts and set a price for when I start selling them
*Chose an insurance carrier (still have to sign up $$$$)
*Rearranged the house, combining the nerd room with the master bedroom so I can use our 3rd bedroom as an office/studio/production area (good god, my muscles still hurt)

Still need to:
*Test wicks with my jars
*Purchase insurance (ouch)
*Break down total cost of candles and set a price for when I start selling them
*Obtain a county business license
*Start building Instagram and Facebook following
*Look for craft fairs for later summer/early fall
*Finalize my logo/branding. Make sure it complies with Fair Packaging & Labeling Act
*Decide if I am printing labels myself (& if so, decide on label paper supplier and purchase laser printer)
*Continue narrowing down fragrance oils with cohesive themes so it's not overwhelming to a customer
*Purchase/make table covers, displays, canopy weights and signage for craft fairs

There is probably more that I'm forgetting. The goal is to open by late summer, but know something might come up to delay it. Until then I'll keep working my way down the list.

2018

Life has changed so much over the last year. We took Cooper to the park last weekend and I was  awestruck by how different things were than the last time we took him to that particular park. He used to just run back and forth, not interact with any of the kids, and struggle to climb the equipment. This time he played chase with a group of kids (my heart seriously melted when they asked his name and he went "I'm Cooper! I'm 5!")  and he climbed things that he wouldn't have even tried a year ago. I'm not sure how much of the change is because of school and social skills group, how much of it is just the fact that he's older, or what, but I had all of the feels last Sunday. I am so happy for him.

Job front: it's safe to say it's different than it was a year ago. I'm no longer constantly ill (yay!) which leads me to believe I had an allergy to something in the building where I was working. The guy behind me was also sick frequently, so I wonder if there was something in the air duct over us? Regardless, not having 3+ weeks of bronchitis every few weeks has been wonderful. Exercising the creative part of my brain on a consistent basis has also been wonderful. There are definitely struggles still. Watching the ebb and flow and unexplained dips and spikes in sales. The mental game of writing-trying to find ways to push past the life stress that creeps up and not let it impact my daily word count. Making sure Greg and I maintain a healthy relationship after going from barely seeing each other to being around each other much more frequently. It's different, but I am so much happier and have so much more energy in this role. 

The biggest reward has been on the parenting front. I actually have the energy (probably thanks to not being sick!) to do activities and feel like a much more active participant. Cooper has really gravitated towards me since I'm actually around more, and I can tell that the bond is stronger for him than it was before. I'm immensely grateful for the opportunity to be around more. There is a lot of uncertainty when you're your own boss, but it is worth it.

On another note, it turns out that working from home has NOT actually handed me the energy to keep an immaculate house like I thought it would. ;) Progress not perfection, right?

The unexpected

Parenting is weird. You spend nine months worrying, daydreaming, building up these elaborate scenarios in your head, only to realize within hours of returning from the hospital that you have no idea what you are doing. It all boils down to the fact that we can plan, daydream, and prepare ourselves as much as possible, but nothing is ever guaranteed.

This has not been an easy season for my extended family. The deepest of our roots, the foundation (in all it's imperfection), crumbled after forty two years. We are all wading through the emotional and logistical aftermath, with my main focus on uplifting the people hurting the most. We are cautiously imagining a new normal, while all of us are fully aware that we have no idea what the future looks like. All of this is further complicated by serious health issues with both parents. Things like caretaking and medical needs are whisked into this mix of uncertainty.

The weird, beautiful, painful part of this is that it goes on. It always does. While I am tempted to crawl under covers and ignore the persistent blast of Christmas tunes, to flip past the Christmas movies on TV, to cancel our Christmas plans, I have this little guy to take care of. He deserves every minute of a great Christmas. He deserves to carry the warmest and fuzziest of memories forward with him. He's a reminder that I have to keep moving forward, to grit my teeth through the parts I'm not feeling, and just keep going. I am grateful for this unexpected push, for the fact I get to be a parent at all, and for the way our daydreams will never prepare us for muddling our way through life. There is power in wading your way through uncertainty.

Jumbled

My brain is faulty. The wiring is jumbled, circuits firing off-kilter and others inexplicably dim when I least expect them to.

Happy turns into borderline manic, driven, then poof. No amount of sleep is adequate. The minute and significant tasks feel equally impossible. The body and mind ache to return to bed even when sleep persistently taunts the corners of your mind, just out of reach.

You see the wonderful bits of your life dancing in front of your eyes, fueling the shame that comes with depression. Cycle again. Push through the impossible to get back to happy.

Autumn

The leaves are awash in color. Brisk air rushes in the door as I hold his little hand in mine while we walk to the bus stop. I look down at the little boy that, blissfully, is still young enough to not be embarrassed to hold his mom's hand. Leaves crunch underfoot, dotting the grey pavement in bursts of color, demanding my attention. The scents of fires burning and the earthy undertone of leaves tickle my nose. Autumn insists that we press pause, look around, and appreciate the brief, beautiful things surrounding us.

Moving on

It felt like I woke up a few months ago and our parenting lives suddenly went from ones of baby-proofing and constantly stopping imminent danger to finally being able to step back a bit. The outlet covers were removed, we bought a couple bookcases (because books actually *mostly* stay put now!), the door knob covers were tossed. One can toss the door knob covers once your kid's life goal no longer involves opening the cleaning closet door and potentially drinking all the chemicals. It is simultaneously a tremendous relief, bittersweet, and inevitable part of parenting. He's growing up!

The thing I've been hoping for-the sense of peace over being "one and done" has finally been realized. I love our family as a 3 person (& a cat) unit. There is an ease about our days now. I no longer feel like I'm depriving Cooper of a sibling. Just because 2+ kids is the norm, does not mean that a family of 3 cannot be a beautiful, complete thing. I no longer feel like I'm getting punched in the stomach when I find out a coworker is pregnant, get asked why I'm not having more kids, or see pictures of siblings having fun.

Instead of obsessing over what could have been, I look around on a Sunday morning. Greg and I sipping on our coffee, Cooper playing, the light filtering in from my favorite living room window, and the cat stepping all over us while getting cat hair in our coffee. I embrace the feeling of contentment. This is our family. While 3 may not be the norm, we are content and I am grateful. The what-if may always linger lightly in the back of my mind, but it no longer has the power to sway me into worry and discontentment. We're moving on. It is a beautiful feeling.

Adulting

The best thing happened a little over a month ago. Some switch flipped in my brain and my response to anxiety went from "I'm so overwhelmed that I can't get anything done aside from sitting here thinking about how unnecessarily overwhelmed I am" to CLEAN ALL THE THINGS. It's amazing. Seriously. I finally have a positive and PRODUCTIVE response to something that used to be so negative. It helps me sleep a little better at night. I freaking love waking up to a clean house. Taking a bit of time to clean most nights also prevents that dreaded "spending the majority of Sunday scrambling with chores" habit that we were in.

Greg and I are finally tackling our finances head-on. We sat down and created a budget, made a few long-term goals, pulled up our credit report (ouch) to see what needs the most improvement, and are ready to knock out the rest of our debt. Although we have knocked out a serious amount of credit card debt over the last 2 years, we still have a significant amount to get rid of. I dealt with life-stress and being sick alllll the time last year by going on ALL the vacations. Even though all of our vacations and related expenses were paid in cash, we were still being irresponsible by vacationing while our old debt and student loans sat there accruing interest. On a happier note, we have accrued a pretty decent amount of equity on our tiny little house over the last 4 years and one of my (small) student loans will be paid off in a week! Progress.

I am soda-free, people! It wasn't a resolution, it just kind of happened with the snow storm and I decided to continue rolling with it. This probably seems like the most minor, trivial thing to people who don't have a soda habit but it's a big deal to this former Diet Coke guzzler. Part of me wishes I was formerly drinking something that had calories so this change would result in weight loss, but that's okay. I know it's better for my health to not be guzzling a bunch of aspartame.

I think I'm finally getting this adulting thing right. Maybe this means I'll eventually stop doing things like eating brownies for breakfast.

Mama...beast?

I hate the phrase Mama Bear. It makes me a little nauseous. That's the only phrase I can think of that describes how I felt a week ago. There have been plenty of times that I defend my kid, but I have never experienced quite the physical, ingrained reaction like last week. Sweaty palms, increased heart beat, pure fury.

I don't want to go into details because I don't want the details being out there, but my son won't return to the daycare he's been attending since September. When my husband got home and relayed the information to me (I work until 6:30 so he's the daycare picker-upper) I told myself that surely there was a miscommunication? Surely? I obviously needed to call the daycare director because what he thought happened would never happen there. In that moment I knew I wouldn't have the ability to remain calm when I spoke with her so I slept on it and called her the next day.

Her explanation made things worse. It highlighted how incompetent they are in terms of handling a kid on the autism spectrum. Whenever she tried to defend the staff, it just made it worse. By some miracle, I didn't rage-sob while she was on the phone. I made it perfectly clear to her that they are incapable of handling a kid on the autism spectrum. I let her know that how they handled my son was not okay. I let her know that we'd never be back. I hung up the phone and shook.

He is in such a specific niche that I can see this kind of thing happening repeatedly and that scares the shit out of me. He tends to pass as this quirky kid to people we're not around a lot, but the behavioral struggles always emerge. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me but dealing with autistic behavioral challenges (especially meltdowns and defiance) is NOT an easy thing to deal with. Teachers aren't always going to have the patience that a parent has. They have countless other kids to look after, of course they don't have an hour to deal with a meltdown.

So where will he fall? How are we supposed to find a daycare that we can trust after this? Is he regressing? Do we need to amend his IEP and push for more hours? Does he need to go back into ABA therapy? Where is the damn manual for all of this? Hopefully the developmental pediatrician will be able to answer our longgg list of questions in January. Like everything-just as soon as you feel like you're getting the hang of something, life changes it up. Time to keep learning and moving forward.

Business Goals

I'm discovering that running my own business on the side is therapeutic. I don't think it would be if it was my full-time gig (because, pressure) but it's not. My health insurance isn't depending on this. That's what the FT gig is for.

I've only been back a few weeks but I've learned quite a bit about SEO. From the view counts and favorited items, it seems to be working. Etsy will never be a main source of crafting income due to the hugely saturated market. That being said-the ease of use, discounted shipping and wide audience will keep me there for whatever sales do roll in. My main goals this winter are to start preparing for late winter/early spring craft fairs and to create a more cohesive/professional look.

Things to check off this winter:
1. Hire someone to redesign my logo, social media icons, etc. I already narrowed down a particular designer but I'm waiting until after Christmas because of funds. For someone with very limited Photoshop skills I think I did *okay* with my logo. I really don't like my FB or Etsy banners. Branding is so important with craft businesses and it's something that is lacking.  
2. Purchase a sandblaster for glass etching. I love etching glass but the etching cream I use doesn't produce a vivid etch. I've researched sandblaster machines for a year or so and found one I want to go with. The etching difference is amazing.
3.  Purchase a heat press. I was a little weary of purchasing a heat press because I haven't had great luck with heat transfer vinyl. However, after doing a ton of research I learned about sublimation and I am sooo excited to add this to my shop. No more worries about peeling vinyl. My customers can actually put a mug through the dishwasher! I think this is the thing I'm most excited about offering/changing over the upcoming months.
4. Packaging. This kind of goes along with the branding bit in number 1. I have always been a terrible gift-wrapper. My mom is the lady who perfectly folds edges of wrapping paper and puts pretty bows on gifts. I am of the "cover it in wrapping paper and try to press the crumpled edges in so it doesn't poof out too much" variety.  This doesn't work when you're trying to relay a "boutique" kind of atmosphere. YouTube showed me how to tie one of those cross-knot bows so maybe there's been a little improvement already?
5. Slowly start purchasing craft fair necessities (table cloths, tent, tables, etc.)
6. Build stock. That's obvious enough. I don't want to scramble like I did for my first craft fair.

So, those are my winter goals. I am glad to have them to focus on because things have been pretty crummy over here. This is giving me a taste of self-confidence for the first time in a long time. It's time to keep building on that and moving forward.

Flips, flops and flip flops.

A week ago we returned from the worst vacation in the history of our family vacations. It was full of vomit, ants, broken toilets and meltdowns. It was 9 days of "this can't actually be happening, right?" It was one of those weeks where so much went wrong that it started to be hilarious. Hilarious as in "I know this is fucking awful now, but this will make a good story."

17 hours of driving later and we were home. Yes, we were covered in ant corpses, Cooper's pants were falling off of him because he more or less refused to eat for 9 days, I couldn't open most of my right eye because it was infected, and I had to erase thoughts of how many ants I drank in my coffee once the sun went down, but we were home. We survived. I still cannot wrap my mind around how wrong that trip went but the ship didn't sink and the car didn't crash, so it could be worse.

I am nearly positive that my job isn't going to last more than 2 months or so. Considering that I was told when I started 6.5 years ago that it would last (max) 2 years, I think it was a good run. I will eventually walk away with some supervisory skills (even though I never had the title), much wider knowledge of Excel, and 6.5 more years of full time work experience than I walked in there with. A change is much overdue but I am also sad to wave goodbye to an incredible amount of PTO and an awesome schedule.

My Etsy shop reopened yesterday! I am so excited to delve back into the creative side of things and create some new products. I forgot how easy it is to go, "okay I need to edit this image" and look up to see that 2 hours passed. It's weird and a little nerve-wracking to jump back in but I am excited to be back.

Life

Life is pretty damn good right now. I'm currently on day 5 of being sick but it's just a cold and not some knocked-on-my-ass-respiratory-horror-story like the other illnesses I've had over the last year. I can handle a cold! I will take it.

Timehop reminded me that Cooper was diagnosed a year ago today. I will never forget going into the appointment with the feeling of "More wasted time! They won't give us any explanation!" and the Developmental Pediatrician casually, matter of factly telling us he was on the autism spectrum.

I wasn't prepared at all for the next few months, but is anyone? I'm glad to say that at  a year out I am no longer consumed with fear. I have learned so much about patience. Everything in the special needs system (therapy, school, etc.) takes forever to set up and work with. There is so much red tape that you are blissfully unaware of until you're the one responsible for maneuvering around it. This year really was about learning to be patient.

Cooper is an amazing kid. I know it's cliche, and most parents will say that about their kids. This guy, though? He cracks me up every single day. He is caring. He is passionate about the things that interest him. He is a whirlwind of energy but also hyper focused when he wants to be.

I'm still working with the "accepting one and done" thing. I have faith that I will get there eventually and that faith has reassured me lately that it really will be okay one day. It is just really damn difficult to quiet my ovaries sometimes. It hurts. You never quite know when the gut-punch will hit you but it does.

Until I get to the acceptance part, I will focus on the good things that come with having 1. I will keep planning trips that are doable for this age and count down the days until the kid can tolerate an international flight. I want him to see the world. I want to push him (and us) beyond our comfort zones bit by bit. I want to evolve, grow and continue learning that even when things are really tough, it goes on.

Right now? Things are not so tough. I am immensely grateful for this lull. It always goes on.

Plans

I can't wait to feel better! I feel like my body has just kind of molded into the couch. There are kleenex boxes everywhere, half-full cups of tea, my hair stands up on it's own (who needs product!?) and my TV binge watching options have become so desperate that I found myself watching Keeping up With the Kardashians earlier.

I know this will pass and I can't wait to feel normal again. I am planning to join the Y once this illness passes to start trying and cut down on anxiety (and lose weight). I am also going to call a therapist tomorrow and set up an appointment!

Between constantly being ill, dealing with a lot of behavioral issues and school stressors related to autism, coping with the reality that we're not going to have another kid, and walking through everything else we walked through over the last year I think a therapist is much overdue. My mom kind of indirectly told me I seemed really depressed last week and it hit me that yes, I am.

That's okay. I will get through it, but maybe I need help with it this time. As I've mentioned before this is the first year that I really recognize that I have big feelings and am not always great when it comes to coping with them. I think it's time to have someone help me build tools to sort through everything. I can't wait to see what this will lead to. I am so ready for a change.

ftftugiuhilu

Within the last 5 hours:
-My doctor drew my blood to test for autoimmune diseases because I am sick (again).
-We found out that Cooper was not accepted into the (Neurotypical) Preschool program we applied for through the school district. I'm not allowed to disclose why but it had nothing to do with autism.
-We got an email from his special ed preschool teacher basically giving us a heads up that she is going to suggest an IEP revision meeting in August and wants to reduce his hours from 4 days/week to 2 days/week. She wants him to go to community preschool the other 3 days.

I feel like he is already slipping through the cracks. He isn't "autistic enough" to warrant the care I feel he needs. Yet, he is not "neurotypical enough" to send him to a NT preschool program without immense worries.

It drives me insane when he verbally stims for hours on end. I am his mom and love him more than anything and it still makes me feel like my ears are bleeding from verbal stims. How is a preschool teacher who is busy watching several other kids going to handle that? His aggression (primarily biting and hitting) ramped up over the last couple months. So many of the challenging ASD behaviors in terms of rigidity, schedules, meltdowns, ramped up recently. How do I know a teacher won't just label him as a bad kid when it's something he can't control?

I am grateful that he made so much progress last year. It just makes me wonder if he is actually getting the services he needs, or if he's already being short changed before Kindergarten even starts.

Summer '16 Bucket List

It is officially summer. It's hot, humid as hell, buggy summer. It also means nights stretching out as long as the summer sun, swimming whenever the opportunity arises, ice cream trucks, and almost nightly playground visits for Cooper.

I really want to do all the [fun] things this summer. The 3 day weekend thing drives my wanderlust heart insane (due to lack of funds, wandering far is out of the question this summer). That doesn't mean there isn't plenty to do around here! Lists help reign in my easily distracted thoughts. Without further ado, here is my list:

1. Take a 1-nighter road trip without planning a single thing. No destination in mind, nothing fancy, just a good old fashioned road trip.

2. Try a new exercise. There are so many things I haven't tried. Yoga? Never tried it. Kickboxing? Nope. Spinning? Nope. Maybe I'll find something I love? Maybe?

3. Try new recipes. I have been *slightly* better in terms of trying new recipes lately, but adding this to the list can't hurt.

4. Visit 3 VA state parks. So much to see, and nearly free!

5. Play tourist in Richmond. Do you know how much things I HAVEN'T seen in Richmond? I've never been to the Poe Museum, VMFA, the VA Holocaust Museum, etc. I will not be riding any segways, but there is a solid day of Richmond-exploring I am 19 years past due on.

6. Firepit nights. Our patio was sadly neglected last year. We just never went out there. I spent hours today trying to clear weeds, spruce it up, and get rid of random things we threw back there. The yard is one of the best parts of our house and I really want to start appreciating it more.

7. Send snail-mail. I never do this anymore and getting mail is always nice! I am overdue to send a care package, a letter, a thank you card, something fun via the mail system.

8. Get a manicure. Maybe you're rolling your eyes at this one, but it's been years since I had one. It felt so fancy to walk around for a week with nice nails.

9. Sew! I bought my machine, accessories, wound a bobbin...now I need to gather the courage to actually use the machine.

10. Visit new restaurants. On the rare occasion we get an opportunity to go to a sit-down restaurant, we get in such a rut and go with the usual spots. There are plenty of places to try around here, so we need to venture out more.

So, there it is. A list that doesn't leave me filled with dread. A light, somewhat frivolous kind of thing. Just how summer should be.

Summer

I stepped outside today and felt the warm, almost-summer humidity that is nearly tangible during the summer months in this part of the country. You can almost bottle it up. On one hand I thought, "Is it summer already!?" On the other hand, I thought "It's about damn time."

I am currently in a state of not-drowning and I am relishing every second. There were some intensely stressful work moments last week. We had a monthly meeting with Cooper's teacher last week and found out that there is a huge, scary decision to be made regarding Cooper's schooling next year. Greg and I also had to decide on our summer approach for his therapy since he does not qualify for ESY services. These are doable things. We can do this. After the last year? This stuff is small potatoes.

Several months passed since I stopped my anti-depressant that I was on for 3 years. It took a bit to remember how to deal with BIG feelings. I am a feeler. I get hurt easily. This is the first year that I recognize that it isn't necessarily a bad thing. It is just that, a thing. It is part of who I am. The medication I was on did not erase my panic, anxiety, and feelings. It did, however, take the edge off of them. It made it a little easier to breathe. That being said, I am doing pretty well without it! It is overwhelming to feel my anxiety in full force, but it is great to feel the good feelings in full force. I think I was on the medication so long that I didn't realize it was also dulling the good things too.

Thanks to a new summer flex opportunity, my work schedule is temporarily changing as of Tuesday and I couldn't be happier. I am switching to 4, 10-hour days with a 3 day weekend every week until Labor Day. I hope that this will help build up PTO, go on a few long-weekend camping trips and attend Cooper's appointments without having to stay late at work to make up the time. I am so thrilled for the change!

Cooper has grown and changed so incredibly much over the last 6 months. I look at him sometimes and it just hits me. He is his own person. He has limbs that get a little stronger with each month, and one hell of a personality. He gets pissed when the weather changes and he can no longer wear his jacket every day. Rain makes him sleepy. To him, water is still the best. thing. ever. He loves to pick up any phone or camera he can find and open up the camera to view his world through a camera lens. He loves to see people laugh. He is more attached to his favorite blanket than Linus was. The fact that he turns 4 in less than a month completely boggles my mind and makes me ovaries hurt.

So, summer. Hello there. I hope I can continue on this path of not-drowning. I hope the run of not being sick continues. Cookouts and seeing friends would be grand. Maybe a camping trip or 3? Beers and bonfires. Borrowed pool time and a million freckles. All the good things. Let's make it happen.

Back to reality: meal edition

The end of April and early-mid May were pretty chaotic. There was a quick trip to NY for my grandpa's funeral service at the end of April. A week after returning from NY I was back on the road but this time headed to FL. Both of those trips were stressful in their own ways, but there were good memories involved too.

Now it's back to reality until I manage to convince my husband to venture somewhere else. The laundry situation is slowly catching up but the meal situation is back to it's lazy person state of "Pizza? Okay. Cookout? Okay." Starting today, I'm making an effort to change that. Summer is around the corner and with that, fresher produce. Salad actually starts to sound appetizing when the temperature heats up. Now that Greg doesn't work until 10PM we also have the opportunity for grilling.

Here are a few new things I plan to try out this week:
Chopped salad with spiced chickpeas
She had me at "chickpeas" and "feta." I'm planning to make this for work lunches.

Lemon ricotta parmesan pasta with chicken and spinach
2 types of cheese and pasta, but clearly the chicken and spinach make it healthy?

Grilled balsamic steak with tomatoes and arugula
Any night that Greg grills is a good night. That + the fact that this is a Skinnytaste recipe pretty much guarantees a recipe win.

We're also cooking up some go-to meals. BLTs on sourdough, salsa chicken tacos, tangy lentil salad. It's so easy to get into a recipe/cooking rut. Hopefully these will spice things up a bit and I can get into the habit of actively trying new (healthyish) recipes each week. As always, that pun was intended.

Aimless

Everything feels kind of aimless lately. I don't know where I fit in anymore. Every time I try to describe something it's like the words don't come out right and I can't ever seem to get my point across correctly. This blog is probably a great showcase of that struggle.

I feel like I'm sitting here, unable to articulate my feelings correctly, isolated yet busy (seriously, who wants to be around me when I am down? I get it), and life keeps throwing things my way. It's like the majority of 30 has been spent getting knocked down by something unexpected, flailing around under the current for awhile, and catching my breath long enough for the next thing to strike.

I have spent so much of this year being ill. I have been sick with this current illness for 3 weeks. 3 fucking weeks of being sick. It's not like I'm being irresponsible and avoiding the doctor-I've gone every time I've been sick this year. Last time I even had them draw my blood because should I be getting sick every month? No. I think so much of why I feel like I can't catch a break is because SO much of my energy has been zapped with these long-lasting, mystery illnesses.

If I could just have a month or 2 of not getting sick, of not feeling like I'm some second rate employee because hey I have another 2 week long illness and need to call out for a day or 2, of not having a loved one die, of not having some major financial blow, maybe I could catch my breath. I just want to feel like I'm sailing again, not drowning.

Saying goodbye

My gramps passed away yesterday. He had a hellish last 6 months of his life-losing his son, my uncle Brian, and going through medical crises over the last several months leading to an amputation surgery and a bout of pneumonia that he succumbed to. Despite that, he had a very peaceful passing. He was surrounded by people he loved, hands linked together in a group prayer as he left this world. I know that he is in a better place now and that his suffering is over.

He had such a great sense of humor. My mom's entire side of her family shares that. On the rare occasion that we were all able to meet up (they lived in FL, some of our family lives in NY, we're in the middle) the house would be full of laughter. He was a great story-teller, and after raising 6 kids there were plenty of stories to tell.

Restless

I am restless. This isn't a new thing. Restlessness has been a part of me starting in adolescence. This year in particular the feeling has dug deep. It has crawled deep into my bones. I wake up, I go to sleep, I pause throughout the day thinking "Am I doing enough? Am I making the most of this life which increasingly moves by at an alarmingly fast pace? What if it ends tomorrow? Will I wish I did more?"

I am so many things. I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an employee, a crafter, a baker, a reader, a wanderer, a dreamer. I am all of these things, but do I fill these roles with as much passion as I can?

For too long now I have felt that I am just going through the motions in so many areas of my life. I feel like I lost that spark, that passion, that makes me live instead of exist. I want to make a concentrated effort to stop more throughout the day and take time to recharge. Even if it means waking up a bit earlier so I can stop and jot down my thoughts in a journal or read a few pages of a book.

Additionally, I want to take more risks. I want to plan the kind of travels that scare me a bit instead of going back to our tried-and-true places. I want to try new restaurants and listen to live music from bands I've never heard before. I want to set foot in cities I've never been in and drive with no destination in mind.

I'm not disillusioned-I know that the motions, the "real life", the chores will still be there. I know that we can't live life continuously pursuing the things that are exciting and new. I just know that right now, I could be more. Much more.